Here's a story I wrote for yesterday's Irish Times...
Are all of these drab winter Oscar-bait films getting you down? Do you yearn for a new romantic comedy? Here’s a solution…write your own! As demonstrated in Leap Year, which features a lonely yuppie woman, her stuffy middle-class boyfriend, a boorish other man and a wacky road trip, the formula is even simpler than you think: All you need is to choose one answer from each of the below questions, find two movie stars (or people off the telly) and a couple of million quid.
So without further ado…
Despite being very attractive, Jennifer can’t find love because of
a- family obligations
b- her demanding career
c- her insistence on wearing glasses and trouser suits
d- all of the above
Jennifer’s loneliness will be portrayed by her…
a- not getting anything on valentine’s day
b- watching someone else getting married
c- eating ice cream
d- reading a book
Gerard is…
a- a loveable slob
b- a boorish slacker
c- a charming rogue
d- a handsome chancer
Jennifer’s initial opinion of Gerard will be…
a- strong dislike
b- mild disdain
c- open disgust
d- repulsed bemusement
Jennifer’s other suitor will be…
a- a lawyer
b- a stockbroker
c- some mysterious type of self-made millionaire
d- a nerd
Jennifer will be forced to spend time with Gerard because of…
a- a work obligation relating to his expertise
b- a misunderstanding about them being engaged
c- a transportation failure
d- a bet
Her best friend will be…
a- a gay man
b- a sexy kooky girl with tattoos who likes slam poetry
c- a fat woman
d- a fat sexy gay man with tattoos who likes slam poetry
Jennifer’s job will be…
a- a book editor
b- a magazine editor
c- a TV producer
d- another fairytale job
She will live in…
a- a spacious penthouse apartment with visible brickwork
b- a vast loft with an old piano
c- a huge maisonette with antique furniture
d- a cute cottage with numerous throw pillows
Gerard’s best friend will wear…
a- a goatee
b- a plaid shirt
c- a kitschy old Casio watch
d- a popular character actor’s face
In a public place, Jennifer will be seen in…
a- an unflattering bridesmaid dress
b- face paint
c- a skirt with an embarrassing hole in it
d- a costume that looks like a giant hot dog
In his spare time Gerard will enjoy…
a- playing basketball
b- playing videogames
c- playing the field
d- playing with himself
Jennifer will find her love for Gerard blossom when she sees him…
a- with his shirt off
b- talking to his nephew
c- helping an old lady cross the street
d- reading the same book that she was reading earlier
Gerard’s ex will be…
a- refined
b- unpleasant
c- beloved by his family
d- hiding an embarrassing secret
Jennifer’s hectic lifestyle will be portrayed by…
a- her dropping her Starbucks coffee on her way into work
b- her missing a taxi in rush hour
c- her cradling a phone to her ear while typing
d- her eating dinner at her desk
In the climactic public scene, Gerard will be urged to “kiss her, you fool!” by…
a- an ethnic old lady
b- a Rastafarian
c- a hitherto cynical relative
d- a talking dog
The climax will involve
a- a last minute dash to the airport
b- a final sprint to the train station
c- a run through Manhattan
d- falling over
If you answered
Mostly ‘A’s: You are a modern woman, probably played by someone relatively cool like Ashley Judd or Diane Lane. Despite being funny and nice, your film will have a bittersweet title such as ‘Lonely Hearts’.
Mostly ‘B’s: Well aren’t you a go-getter! Your hard-working character will be played by somebody ostensibly uptight (but actually fun) such as Sandra Bullock, who will learn to love in the film ‘All Work and No Play’.
Mostly ‘C’s: Approaching romantic farce now, which can only mean one thing: Jennifer Aniston (or, if they can’t afford her, Kate Hudson) starring in ‘Kiss her, you fool!’
Mostly ‘D’s: Cutesy time, in other words…Reese Witherspoon, Hugh Jackman, a mischievous cat, a cute kid and one serious misunderstanding starring in ‘Four Play’.
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